The Fourauders
by Project H
Summary: An in-depth documentary that takes a look at the greatest challenge that ever faced the Marauders - The Hogwarts Battle of the Bands competition.
1. The Band

Part 1: The Band

_Once in a lifetime, a band comes along that truly captures the imagination of a generation. Other times, a band hangs around for a few weeks and then disappears without anyone caring. The following story, is about one of those bands..._

'I've had the greatest idea in the world!' yelled James, running into the Gryffindor common room.

Sirius and Remus were seated by the fire, playing chess. Peter sat nearby, remaining quiet and trying to not get kicked out of the group.

'Really?' asked Remus. 'Because your last greatest idea in the world resulted in 2 months detention and Peter almost drowning.'

'This idea is slightly better,' reassured James. 'And involves fewer mermaid kidnappings.'

'Alright, go ahead.'

'Two words: Hogwarts Battle of the Bands.' James ticked off the words on his fingers as he spoke. "Battle of the bands" apparently counting as one word.

'James, I saw the posters up all over the school,' said Remus. 'We don't know how to play music.'

'Not an issue,' said James. 'Music is only one element of a successful band, and since we have all the other aspects covered, no one will notice we can't play.'

'This plan would work a lot better if we kidnapped a mermaid,' added Sirius.

'Agreed. But first, let's name the band.' James got out some parchment and began making notes. 'All in favour of _Awesome James, plus others_?'

'What? No, we haven't even agreed to this,' spluttered Remus.

'Alright, what about _Mr James and the Potts_?'

'No.'

'_Handsome J and the Boggart Bunch_?'

'No.'

'_The James Potter Band featuring James Potter_?'

'No.'

'You're right, that'd be terrible if I went solo and left you guys behind. You'd have to call yourselves _The James Potter Band featuring James Potter minus James Potter_.'

'Need I remind you,' began Remus, 'that we already have a name? Or are you forgetting _The Marauders_?'

'We can't call ourselves The Marauders,' said Sirius, not looking up from a chess game he was badly losing. 'That'd give away our secret identity. Same reason we had to send back those name tags you ordered. Remember? They were meant to say "Remus Lupin" but due to an unfortunate spelling error said "WEREWOLF! HIDE YOUR CHILDREN!"'

'Someday I will murder you all and bathe in your blood,' said Peter, to no one in particular.

'That's it!' yelled James. 'We can't call ourselves The Marauders, but we can call ourselves The _Four_-auders. Get it, because there are four of us? It's like maths or something.'

'The Four-auders?' asked Lupin.

'Absolutely. I'm going to tattoo it on my chest right now.' James picked up a quill and fled from the room.

'The Four-auders?' Lupin asked again. 'It will never catch on.'

_And so the group would forever be known as The Four-auders. But before they could begin their journey to stardom, the group had a little something to learn about themselves first. Next time, we take a close look at the team dynamic, as the boys take their first step from being nobodies, to being nobodies who play instruments._


	2. The Names

Part 2: The Names

_Most great bands have great names, so that years from now, those middle-aged band members can scrawl it on the walls of public toilets and pretend someone else did it to feel relevant. Awful bands also need names, and the awful performers within the band need names as well. Because of that, the following story needed to take place..._

'Good news, Four-auders,' announced James, entering the common room.

Remus and Sirius were into the seventeenth hour of their chess game, and Peter was sitting in the corner, just happy to be part of it all.

'Is the good news that you've come up with a band name that doesn't feel like someone is doing an ear-specific _Crucio_?' asked Remus.

'Better. Well, slightly better. Actually, that sounds pretty awesome. I'll work on that spell after this. I've come up with the most important element of our band.'

'Instruments?' Remus moved into his fourth checkmate of the game. Sirius didn't notice, and instructed his pawn to move horizontally from one side of the board to the other. His king began to pray for his pain and humiliation to end.

'No. We'll get to instruments later. If we have time,' replied James, who was watching the game over Sirius' shoulder. He suggested a move that lead several of Sirius' white pieces to start attempting to paint themselves black. One of his rooks began negotiating the terms of his surrender. 'I have come up with our names.'

'I thought we already had names. Last time I checked I was Remus.'

'And last time I check that was _Lame_-us,' shot back James, who was so happy with his remark he failed to see Sirius' chess pieces performing a mass suicide. 'We need cool pop star names.'

'Yeah, like Remus,' added Sirius, having missed almost the entire conversation.

'An excellent suggestion Sirius, which is why I have given you the best name of all.' James puffed up his chest with pride. 'Sparklez B. Badd.'

'Ow. Someone just _Crucio-d_ my ears,' said Remus.

'Someone just _Crucio-d_ my awesome,' said Sirius.

'No no, just hear me out,' James replied. 'The name is perfect. It's got everything. A misspelling of the word "sparkles", an initial, a misspelling of the word "bad"...'

'You're right, that _is_ everything,' said a satisfied Sirius.

'What are we calling Peter?' asked Remus.

'What's a Peter?'

'The other guy in the band. The other Marauder. Wormtail.'

James stared blankly.

'Peter Pettigrew?'

James stared blankly.

'The stupid rat guy?'

James, who left the room briefly, returned to stare blankly.

'Fatty McLumparse?'

'Oh, you mean Sirius?' realised James.

'Peter!' Remus pointed to Peter, still in his chair.

'That thing is Peter? I thought it was part of the chair,' said James, poking a nearby cushion in case it was a second-year.

'You though Peter was furniture?' asked Remus. 'You talked to him for two hours yesterday.'

'I was telling him how best to shape himself around my backside. I'm a little embarrassed about that now.'

'The day of your horrific murder draws ever near,' said Peter, to no one in particular.

'Nevermind,' said James. 'I know exactly what he shall be called.'

'What?' asked Remus.

'Peter'

'Very creative,' sighed Remus.

"I think it perfectly fits with his role in the band. And would you like to know what your name will be, Remus?'

Remus could think of nothing in the world he wanted less. 'Sure James, please tell me,' he responded.

'Plasma.'

'I hate you.'

'It's one part mysterious, one part dangerous.'

'And all parts lame,' added Sirius.

'And what does that make you, James?' asked Remus.

'Horatio Fantasia McGillycutty.'

'Got a shorter version?'

'AJ. Every band needs an AJ.'

'And AJ doesn't stand for anything?' wondered Remus, fortunately aloud so that James could respond.

'Awesome Jimmy.'

'Alright, so just to summarise for everyone...' began Remus. 'Your name is James, but your band name is Horatio Fantasia McGillycutty, or AJ for short, and AJ stands for Awesome Jimmy.'

'Correct,' said James, realising that everything made sense.

'I think now would be a good time for us to actually learn some songs,' said Remus.

'Excellent idea!' yelled James, from the other side of the room, as he left for the night.

_The band now had a name, and the band members had names. If creating a band were an essay, by now they would have written "In this essay I intend to say..." and then taken a break to make a sandwich. Next time, the band try to learn who they truly are, so they can pretend to be something else in order to be popular._


	3. The Gimmicks

Part 3: The Gimmicks

_The music industry is full of people with genuine talent and important stories to tell. These individuals are gradually weeded out until the charts are full of vacuous morons who retain interest in themselves via public drunkenness and keeping their sexuality questionable. That need to establish a fake persona in order to make your music seem exciting and new, leads us to the following story..._

'Great news!' yelled James, running into the common room.

Remus and Sirius were studying Charms, and Peter was sitting nearby and just being grateful about it.

'You've written a song?' asked Remus.

'I don't know what that is. I got us a fan!'

'You got a fan for a band that doesn't really exist yet?'

'Absolutely,' said James. 'Guys, meet Lalinda.' James pointed to a girl in Gryffindor robes and a blindfold, standing behind him.

'I've never even seen that student,' stated Remus.

'Not a student. For some reason, the only person I could find to be our fan was someone who had no idea who I was and was unfamiliar with my reputation of accidently vaporising girls on a first date. I had a spare robe for her left over from a date that ended...mutually. I found her in Hogsmeade.'

'Is this yet another kidnapping?' asked Remus.

'No. Besides, I brought her for Sirius. And do you really think Sirius wants to keep a girl upstairs in his dormitory as a pet, only for her to die of starvation because he forgot girls need food?'

'Not again,' replied Sirius.

'I think a better question is why did you bring a fan only for Sirius?' Remus asked.

'Part of his gimmick. If we're going to be a pop group, we need each member to have a gimmick. Sirius will be the brooding, bad boy heartthrob.'

'And you brought that girl to be in love with him?'

'Correct.'

'How can you be sure she'll like him?'

'She's female, and he's Sirius Black.'

'Good point. But I dread to think what gimmick you've given to me.' Remus thought back to the last time James made a choice for him. It was last year's Gryffindor Christmas play, and while James cast Sirius as Joseph, Remus ended up playing the previously unknown character "Naked guy who all the other characters throw rotten fruit at". That said, his performance was very well received.

'Plasma, I have given you a gimmick that suits you to a tee. You'll be shy...'

'I can live with that.'

'Sensitive...'

'That sounds fine.'

'And gay. Moving on, I have appointed myself as-'

'Come again?'

'Gay. Every pop group needs a guy who is secretly gay. But we'll outdo them by telling everybody about it. I've already placed a notice in the school newsletter.' James held up a newsletter. The words "Remus Lupin = Gay Werewolf" were clearly visible as the top story of the week.

'Eh...' began Remus. 'Not that I have a problem with gay people-'

'Great. Because you'll have to date them now.' James was removing the blindfold from Lalinda. He also removed the ear plugs from her ears, and the bear trap from her leg.

'What the hell is wrong with you?' yelled Lalinda. 'I was just in Hogsmeade and-'

Lalinda's sentence was unable to be finished, as she threw herself onto Sirius at a speed greater than sound.

'Excellent,' said James. 'Now that Lalinda has permanently affixed herself to Sirius' leg, I can unveil _my_ incredible gimmick.'

'What about Peter?' asked Remus.

'What the hell is that?'

'The other guy in the band. You were partnered with him in Potions today. He saved your life when you almost drank a second helping of _Draught of Living Death_.'

'That was Peter? I thought I was talking to myself in a mirror that whole time. Thank goodness for that. I thought I'd shrunk six inches, gained 30 kilograms and was suddenly answering to the name Peter.'

'So do you have a gimmick for Peter or not?' asked Remus.

'Absolutely. He'll be Peter.'

'That's his gimmick? His band name is Peter and his gimmick is that he will be Peter?'

'It's a winner,' said James. 'And I shall be the cool guy with all the talent. So, you know, I'll just be myself.'

'So in conclusion...' began Remus. 'You're cool, I'm gay, Sirius is brooding and Peter is Peter.'

'Oh Plasma, that's the most homosexual thing you've said all day,' said James with a smile.

'And thus ends the story of our band,' added Sirius, for absolutely no reason.

'And soon ends the story of your short, short life, James Potter,' said Peter, to no one in particular.

'I think now would be a good time to actually try and make some songs,' suggested Remus.

James was already out the door, and would not be seen for the rest of the week.

_With everyone very happy with their gimmick, someone could now fill out their celebrity obituary, should they ever reach a level of fame. With this prospect becoming increasingly unlikely, the band looked like having to resort to something they never wanted to have to do in order to have a hit song – write a hit song. Next time, the band put pen to paper and attempt to work out what music is supposed to look like when written down._


	4. The Song

Part 4: The Song

_A band's success depends almost entirely on their look, but so they have something to keep themselves occupied while people look at them, many bands decide to perform music. A successful song needs to combine the elements of good musicality with lyrics that resonate with the listener, or failing that, can be danced to. Such a task leads us to the following unfortunate story..._

'Spectacular news!' yelled James, running so quickly into the common room that he didn't come to a stop until he collided with Peter and knocked him into the fireplace.

'James, we haven't seen you in a week,' said Remus. 'And haven't heard you in four days. During the week we heard someone scream "YOU JUST GOT POTTER'D" followed by a person being thrown in the lake, so we assumed that was you.'

'Correct. Also, I have written all our songs.' James proudly held up several pieces of parchment.

'Well that's great, but I thought we'd write them together,' said Remus. 'I wrote a rather haunting ballad about what it means to be an outcast in society, and the endless quest to find the one who will accept you for who you truly are.'

'Lame,' advised James. 'I'm the songwriter here, so everyone will need to learn _My Boggart is You and I Apart.'_

'I'll be honest, that doesn't sound as bad as I thought it would be,' responded Remus.

'That's the B-side. The A-side is _My Patronus is You and I Doing It_.'

'That's exactly as bad as I thought it would be.'

'Well if you don't like those, I've got a whole list of song names.' James once again waved the pieces of parchment.

'Names?' asked Remus. 'How many full songs have you written?'

'Don't question the creative process, Plasma!' yelled James, throwing Peter into the fireplace for no reason.

'Very well. List your songs and I'll tell you if I like them,' said Remus.

'_Your Parents Made a Whore-crux_.'

'No.'

'_N.E.W.S – Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Sex_.'

'Absolutely not.'

'_When I'm With You, I'm Harder Than a Potions Exam_.'

'Awful.'

'_You Can Be the Core of my Wand_. You get a solo in that one.'

'I'm not sure what that title means, and no. Those are all incredibly inappropriate.'

'Well that's okay. I only wrote one full song anyway so we'll have to play that,' said James.

'If it's up to the same high standard as those other songs, I'm leaving the band,' replied Remus.

'It's a love song, about taking your special somebody on a journey of deep romance and self-discovery.'

'Well that doesn't sound too bad...' spoke Remus, hopefully.

'It's called _My Pants are a Portkey._'

'I'm leaving the band.'

'You can't leave the band, Plasma. I just got you a bass.'

'A bass? You bought me a bass?'

'I..._acquired_ you a bass. Just be happy about it and ignore the blood stains. Sirius, I stole you this lead guitar.'

James held up a guitar, with an arm still attached to it.

'I don't even know how to play that,' replied Sirius. 'Which end do I blow into?'

'Both...or something,' said James. 'I will, of course, be taking vocals. And just in case we ever have a fourth person-'

'Peter,' added Remus.

'Gesundheit. Just in case we have a fourth person join the band, I have a drum kit. Someone told me you need sticks to play, but if you blow into the side it should sound fine.'

'Peter,' added Remus, pointlessly.

'I shall burn you with a fire that melts your very soul,' said Peter, to no one in particular.

'Then it's settled,' said James conclusively.

'Hooray!' yelled Sirius, halfway through eating his complimentary arm.

'Oh Sirius, you're so broodingly handsome I think I could explode.'

James ran from the room, as Remus organised to either join another band or get expelled from school.

_With The Four-auders going from strength to strength, it seemed as though nothing could stop them, provided they weren't required to perform music. But every band has internal conflict, and the conflict rising up within the group was set to erupt in a sea of sea water and conflict. Next time, the band encounter their arch-nemesis, and I'm not just talking about the ability to play in tune. _


	5. The Rehearsal

Part 5: The Rehearsal

_It is a common misconception that most great bands simply make up their songs on stage, and by pure coincidence everyone knows the words. In actual fact, many music acts refine their performances through rehearsals. It is here that musicians can practice, yell at each other, and have falling outs that cause the band to split and each member to write angry books about how awful the rest of the band members were. We must now bear witness to the following story..._

'Magnificently life-changing news!' yelled James, as he ran into the common room, before remembering he had told the other to meet him in the Great Hall for their first rehearsal.

'Magnificently life-changing news!' yelled James, as he ran into the Great Hall. 'I found my missing omnioculars. They were outside the window of the girl's dormitory for no reason.'

The rest of the Four-auders stood around, uncertain as to how to set up their instruments.

'James, we have an issue with Peter's drum kit. It seems to...not exist,' said Remus.

'Yes I had an issue there. So I've organised an alternate arrangement. Peter's instrument will be...imagination.'

'Imagination?' asked Remus. 'So he'll be standing there and just pretending to play while not actually doing anything?'

'Absolutely,' said James. 'I heard all the top muggle bands do it. Quick question, why is Sirius' guitar on fire?'

'He started it,' replied Sirius, pointing at the guitar.

'Potter...what are you doing here?' came a voice.

The Four-auders turned and saw it belonged to Severus Snape.

'Well hello there Snivellus. I think you'll find we're preparing to rock the socks off this sock-wearing school,' replied James, pointing to his band of students who had never played a song in their life.

'I beg to differ, _Lames_,' replied Snape. 'Or maybe you haven't heard of...The Bass-alisks.'

Snape pointed to a group of students standing behind him. They would have resembled the Four-auders, if not for the fact that none of them had yet tried to eat a cymbal.

'Oh yes, I'm well familiar with The Bass-alisks,' said James. 'You've fast gained a strong reputation in these halls with your melodramatic and depressing gothic anthems. But I think you'll find these halls will soon be filled with the sweet pop rhythms of AJ, Sparklez B. Badd, Plasma, and no one else.'

'And Peter,' added Remus.

'Soon the halls will run red with your blood, James Potter,' said Peter, to no one in particular.

'Well in that case...' began Snape. 'Allow me to introduce _my_ band.' Snape began to point out each member one by one. 'This is Tsadnami. He can play guitar with the best of them, but will never truly understand the concept of love. Next to him is XXXsexayboiXXX, apparently he's in the band and plays keyboard. We didn't want him, but no one has the heart to tell him. And our bass guitarist has an unpronounceable name. You just have to make a face like you just heard really great music while also smelling a tray of freshly baked cookies.'

'That's the dumbest thing I ever heard' said James, screwing up his face in disgust.

'Yes?' replied the bass player.

'Oh no, sorry, not you. Who's she?' James pointed to the final band member.

'Her name is Sapphire II,' said Snape.

'And what exactly does she do?'

'Shakes a tambourine.'

'Pointless,' said James with a smug smirk. 'You're wasting your time on that one.'

'She also dances around in a short skirt.'

'Damn it! We need one of those!'

'Well Lames, it seems once again Slytherin house shall reign supreme,' said Snape. The band all high-fived and sobbed appropriately.

'Well you forgot the most important thing – the gimmick. I'll have you know I'm cool.'

'I'm bisexual,' replied Snape.

'DAMN IT! That's the best one! Sirius quick, let's make out.'

'No way, that's _my_ thing,' interrupted Remus. 'Wait, no it isn't, why am I supporting this?'

'Now if you four don't mind, myself and the Bass-ilisks would like to rehearse,' Snape said.

'I think you'll find we've got the Great Hall booked,' replied Remus. 'And don't think we're going to be intimidated by your band's obvious superiority and just give in to your demands. Right, James?'

James had fled the room in tears.

'I've got a great feeling about tomorrow,' said Sirius, his guitar on fire.

_The band had now done everything possible to prepare themselves for the big show, except for perhaps to do some preparation for the big show. The Four-auders were about to be finally put to the test to see whether they would blow everyone away with their ability, or blow everyone away with how much they blow. Next time, the Battle of the Bands competition begins._


	6. The Show

Part 6: The Show

_All bands need an audience. In some cases, this audience is millions of fans all over the world. In other cases, it is a downstairs neighbour who keeps hitting their roof with a broom and yelling at the band to be quiet. Most bands find themselves somewhere in the middle, having both people who hate them, and people who ignore them. The need for an audience, created the following story..._

'Bad news!' yelled James. 'We never should have done this. I have no idea what we're doing.'

'It's a little late for that James, we're backstage and we're on in five minutes,' said Remus.

'There's still time to write a new song!' screamed a frantic James. 'Quick, what's a word that rhymes with Forbidden Forest?'

'Forbidden Forests,' suggested Sirius.

'Uh...Four-auders?' came a voice from behind the band. It was Lily Evans, the organiser of the event.

'Oh, hello Lily,' said James. 'I was just standing here being cool. Did you know that I'm cool now? Tell her, Plasma.'

'He's been so nervous about this he's been throwing up all morning,' replied Remus.

'Excellent,' said Lily. 'You guys are on after The Bass-alisks. And they're about to start.'

'Say Lily, we've got five minutes, would you like a private performance of our new song?' asked James.

'No thanks, I need to watch The Bass-ilisks perform.'

'Well you were sure a lot more open to the idea last night...in our dormitory...in my dream.'

Lily ran up on stage to introduce the band. 'Please thank Davey Dementor and his Azka-band. Our next act describe themselves as "Why are you asking us such stupid questions?" Please welcome on stage The Bass-ilisks!'

Snape and his band took to the stage.

'This is our song,' began Snape, 'all about what it feels like to travel through the lonely void of life as an empty vessel, forever sailing aimlessly without ever finding meaning. So clap your hands and sing along. It's called Alone-homora.'

_1...2...3...4..._

_Your fiery locks of red hair  
><em>_Made me like a bull to you  
><em>_I became the green-eyed monsters  
><em>_And my remembralls turned to blue_

'Hey Lily,' said James from the side of the stage, 'Have you seen our instruments yet? Several of our band members have them. And several of those instruments haven't been set on fire.'

'Please leave me alone.'

_When I look next to my head  
><em>_And I see an empty pillow  
><em>_I have to reach out, grab the branch  
><em>_And whomp my own willow_

_You tried to avoid me in the halls  
><em>_I tried to take you as my wife  
><em>_I apparated into your arms  
><em>_You disapparated out of my life_

'Hey Lily,' said James. 'Remember that time you told me there wasn't a creature on earth with a smaller brain than mine.'

'Vividly.'

'Well I've proven you wrong. And all it took was some experimental magic on Peter's head, and a vat of polyjuice potion to create several spare Peters. Also a mop.'

'Stop speaking to me.'

_Your lies have hurt my ears  
><em>_More than the mandrake cry I heard  
><em>_Even a bezoar couldn't heal me  
><em>_From the damage of your poison words_

_So now I will forever be Alone-homora  
><em>_I loved you but my hatred has grown-homora  
><em>_I was after you like a dog to a bone-homora_

'...and so I said to Remus "Your secret is safe with me – no one will ever know you're also a Weregirl."'

'James, what the hell are you talking about?' asked Remus.

'Lily, watch, he's about to sprout pigtails and tell me to stop sneaking into the girl's dormitory.'

'I only did those things once!'

'I will only need to slit your throat once,' said Peter, to no one in particular.

_My tapestry of pain has now been sewn-homora  
><em>_The winds of change have finally blown-homora  
><em>_I wish you had a twin or a clone-homora_

'I think he's running out of lyrics,' said James.

'Well they're pretty much done now,' replied Lily. 'Grab your instruments, get out there and try not to incite a riot.'

'Wait...the competition is today?' asked James. 'I thought this was "Really convincing rehearsal" day.'

'No problem James,' said Remus. 'We'll do what we do in every high-pressure situation.'

'Rely on Sirius' handsomeness?'

'You got it!'

_Alone-homoraaaaaaa!_

'Thank you everybody,' yelled Snape. 'Don't forget to buy a band t-shirt and noose after the show. Thank you for sharing our music and our acceptance of the inevitability of mortality.'

The crowd provided the appropriate amount of applause and fear.

'Alright team, let's do it!' shouted James. As he ran towards the stage, he tripped on a cord and knocked Peter into a poorly-located fireplace.

_The moment that no one had waited for had now arrived. The air was thick with tedium and people were positively on the edge of their seats, so eager were they to get out of there. Next time, the band takes to the stage to show off all that could be accomplished with a total writing and rehearsing time of fifteen minutes._


	7. The Performance

Part 7: The Performance

_All the great bands of history have a single legendary performance that defines them as an act. All the terrible bands of history have a single performance that informed everyone of just how terrible they are. The following performance by The Four-auders would fit perfectly into one of those categories, and the need to know which has lead to the only important chapter of this story..._

'Hogwarts!' yelled James 'Your religiously-unspecific prayers have been answered. We are The Four-auders!'

The audience showed their enthusiasm by talking amongst themselves and sniggering.

'My name is Horatio Fantasia McGillycutty, AJ for short, and I am just as cool as I appear to be, what with my designer-ripped robes and soup spilled down my front. On lead guitar we have Sparklez B. Badd. When he's not being broodingly handsome, he's being handsomely brooding. On bass is Plasma, and my word is he homosexual. And there is no one else in the band!'

'There will soon be no more life in your body,' said Peter, to no one in particular, as he prepared to stand silently on stage for the duration of the performance.

'This is _My Pants are a Portkey_.'

_1...2...3...4..._

_You can't turn metal into gold  
><em>_Like the Philosopher's Stone  
><em>_But the touch of your hand is enough  
><em>_To turn my flesh into bone_

_I'd love to get into your common room  
><em>"_I want you" are the words that let me in  
><em>_I'll look deep into your eye of newt  
><em>_And caress your boomslang skin_

'Oh my...' uttered Lily.

Several teachers began to move towards the stage.

_I'll walk your halls late at night  
><em>_And visit your restricted section  
><em>_If the teachers knew what I was planning to do  
><em>_They never would have signed permission_

The audience were not quite sure what to make of the lyrics.

'This is awful.'

'Is this meant to be entertaining?'

'This isn't the quidditch match. I think I took a wrong turn.'

_Pass me that floo powder  
><em>_Please don't make me beg  
><em>_I'll throw it into the fireplace  
><em>_And yell "Between your legs"_

'Depressing' said Tsadnami.

'Not depressing enough,' said XXXsexayboiXXX.

Sapphire II played with her tambourine.

'I can't believe Lily likes this guy more than me,' said Snape, as he carved dark arts symbols into his flesh.

_This Basilisk doesn't have fangs  
><em>_So you can look it straight in the eye  
><em>_And you tamed the three-headed dog  
><em>_When you played my flute so fine_

_Because you know my pants are a portkey  
><em>_Let me teleport you to paradise  
><em>_And can you please, please, oh please  
><em>_Give me a great big-_

The Four-auders were dragged off the stage to applause all round. The performers kicked, screamed and complied.

From the front lawn, The Four-auders assessed their work.

'I can safety say, without doubt...' began James, 'that they loved us. Those teachers had to pull us off the stage, lest we be attacked by our beloved audience out of love. We could have suffocated under hugs and high-fives.'

'I'm more concerned about whether we'll be punished for saying such inappropriate things in front of the students,' wondered Remus.

'Yeah Remus, we get it – you're gay. You don't have to shove it down our throats.'

'Guys...' came Lily's voice from the Hogwarts front doors, 'we decided that since you worked so hard to get to this point, we wouldn't outright disqualify you from the competition, and would allow you to be judged alongside the other bands. You finished dead last.'

'Oh no, I hope those darn Bass-alisks didn't win,' said James.

'Nope. The winner was a solo act that came in as a last minute entry to replace the Ravenclaw folk trio who had to pull out due to an unfortunate flobberworm mauling. His name is Peter Pettigrew, and he has the voice of an angel. Though titling his song _Everyone in This Room Will Be Strangled in their Sleep Tonight_ was a little questionable.'

'Never heard of her,' uttered James, as he collapsed on the grass. 'You know what, guys. We may have screwed up, but they run this competition every year. If we really apply ourselves, starting now, this time next year we could really be a great band.

'You're right, James!' shouted Remus. 'Let's not stop practicing until we're the best band in the entire school.'

'Great idea!' replied James, as he took off across the school grounds and into the night.

The idea of practicing would not be mentioned again for another 11 months and 3 weeks.

_And so ends one of the least necessary tales of the music industry ever told. Nothing was achieved, everyone felt bad about themselves, and not a single decent song was created. And if that's not a perfect summary of modern music, than I don't know what is._

_Next time, we take a look at what the musicians are all doing now. What you are doing now is not caring._


	8. The Prologue

Part 8: The Prologue

_Sometimes, when a band breaks up, the individuals within the band continue to remain alive. For this reason, it is often necessary for us to wonder aloud 'where are they now?' In such instances, it is necessary for others to answer that question via a depressing list. This is that list..._

Davey Dementor and his Azka-band – Continued to find success in the music business, provided you measure success by the number of CDs a band is able to give away for free at charity concerts. They finally achieved regular radio play during the first wizarding war by pioneering the hit dance craze the You-Know-Hula.

Tsadnami – After quitting music, Tsadnami became heavily involved in the dark arts. After being caught red-handed in the act of trying to turn a ferret into a student, his soul was sucked out of his body via a dementor's kiss, leaving him an empty shell of a human being. He lives in Manchester, and is happily married with two children.

XXXsexayboiXXX – Found great academic success and achieved excellent grades on his N.E.W.T.s. Working his way up through the Ministry of Magic, he was eventually promoted to a high-ranking position and is now known as Deputy-Minister for Magic XXXsexayboiXXX.

Sapphire II – Using her vast expertise in the area, Sapphire II went on to stand alongside other great bands for years to come. In 1986, when standing alongside a controversial political vocalist, she inadvertently took a bullet for the singer and lost her life. Her ghost continues to frighten musicians, by standing next to them at concerts and offering tambourine solos.

Severus Snape – After leaving school, he became a part-time Death Eater and part-time Hogwarts professor. He enjoys spending his spare time thinking about hurting people and not at all lamenting a lost love of his past.

Lily Evans – Her disastrous management of the Battle of the Bands competition led to her being removed from the position for the following year. Making things worse, she fell in love with the awful lead singer of The Four-auders. Making things slightly better, she died soon after.

Sirius Black – Despite failing in the music business, he found great success in the murder business by notching up an impressive run of thirteen straight victims. He sits in Azkaban prison, being slowly driven to insanity. It is assumed he is doing well.

Peter Pettigrew – Murdered at the hands of Sirius Black. His death resulted in his Christmas single, _Snowflakes and Strangling, _to return to the top of the charts. There are no further hits expected from him.

Remus Lupin – Due to an unspecified medical condition, Remus was limited in his career opportunities and ability to enjoy late-night walks under a full moon. He was forced into exile and a life of solidarity and loneliness. His best friends died, leaving him poor and alone. It is assumed he is doing well.

James Potter – In a victory for the music industry, James Potter was murdered, preventing a Four-auders reunion from ever taking place. He leaves behind a son, marked as an equal to the Dark Lord, destined to one day either kill him or die by his hand. It is assumed he is doing well.

_We would like to thank The Four-auders for allowing us this look into their lives. Special thanks to the very few people still alive from this story who co-operated and/or agreed not to take legal action._

_Next time, we take a close look at the life of toad Trevor Longbottom. Friends and family talk candidly about how a promising career in competitive fly-eating was washed away in a sea of alcohol and cheap prostitutes._

THE END


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